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I find my heart prone to think that I, being a woman, need to make myself attractive, becuase if i dont then i will miss out or end up alone, unhappy, and disliked. This sounds crazy I'm sure.. (I promise I still take showers) but let me explain. I am tempted to think that I have the control of you people! That i can make you be attracted to me or not be attracted to me. (Im talking about physically, personality wise, spiritually.. all of it) As if I posses the power within me to control your thoughts! HA!! For instance, like it is up to me to make myself "beautiful" and in order to get the right guy to like me...and if i dont, there is no way he will like me. "I must contribute!" SO STUPID RIGHT!! Paul Washer said in a sermon i just listened to that "Sin is insanity" why would some one ever really think like me. I can't explain how my own brain works, let alone how yours does! What arrogance I am harbouring to think like this automatically. The gospel is OVERWHELMINGLY NEEDED by ME!!
My own thoughts condem me. If it were not for the gospel I am hopeless! Through worship this week the Lord has shown me a glimps of his mighty power. The power of His word, the trustworthiness of His own word. I have it!! Why do I not love it like the Psalmist in Psalm 119!? I long for his word to be my delight. To be my comfort and to be my one true aim to know. My thinking, my attitude, my very thought process needs major changing. And the Lord is so kind to tell me how to do it! Psalm 119 is covered in it. SEEKING THE LORD through his word, will change me. This "change" I desire (and any other Christian) means changing my pursuit... my affections. Only the Lord can change this! To be wholly Christ! I sit and think.. wow.. what would it be like if I, Laura Stone, was wholly about the Lords work, thinking like Christ and unsatisfied with anything but Christ. What would it be like if I was a NORMAL Christian! How attriactive would He look to this world! I have never loved the Lord my God with all my heart and all my soul and all my mind. Never. Yet I claim to love him.
I went snowboarding with a dear friend Erin today. I was faced with my frailty. Sitting, suspended mid mountain on a dinky lift, stuck. The lift had stopped and I sinned. I feared big time the pain and inconvenience of falling off a lift and breaking bones ( I didn't think I would just die, that would be too great!). This led to distrust so fast. I am not saying that it would be unkind for the Lord to break my bones and make my life really inconvenient. He totally can and be perfectly kind! I'm saying that I sinned big time because my heart was obviously not set on trusting him if that were to happen. He is the only Sovereign Lord, right!!! What a fool I am to place my trust in "horses and men" or in my case, machines and teenagers manning the Lifts at Snow Valley. The same heart. One moment praising Him for his greatness seen in the vastness of creation... to then distrust and practical atheism!! I am absolutely dependent on Christ and HIS work on the cross. I have no control. I cant control my safely, i cannot control my future, i cannot control who likes me and who doesn't. I long to learn how to lean. As Dolores Michaelson always tells me... I am a worm and cant control anything, I just like to think I can.
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